...4 runs batted in. And he's already hit 2 home runs tonight.
Reggie!
Just listen to that crowd. - Reggie!
Come on, Reggie! Hit another homerun! - Coop, he's already hit two.
It's a high fly ball to right...
That's way back
and it's... gone.
Reggie Jackson hits his 3rd home run of the game.
Good catch, Coop! - I can't believe it!
I totally had it, but my glasses slipped.
Remer, someday I'm gonna become a big sports star. - Whatever you say.
You just watch me, dude.
There was a time in America when contests of athletic prowess
were a metaphor for the nobility of man.
Historic moments, forged by the love of the game,
celebrated the human potential
to achieve excellence. But as time passed and the country neared the millennium,
something went awry.
Manning rolls right. He's got Plough at the ten... Touchdown,
Dallas.
The ideal of sportsmanship
began to take a back seat to excessive celebration.
The athletes caring less about playing than planning the vulgar grandstanding
that inevitably followed even the most pedestrian of accomplishments.
The games became subordinate to the quest for money.
Stadiums and arenas became no more
than giant billboards
to promote commercial products.
Players sold their services to the highest bidder,
much like the hired guns of the Old West.
After playing for New England, San Diego, Houston, St. Louis,
a year for the Toronto Argonauts, plus one season at the Desert Inn,
I'm happy to finally play here in the fine city of Miami.
Minnesota.
Whatever. Shit.
Soon it was commonplace for entire teams to change in search of greater profits.
The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles, where there are no lakes.
The Oilers moved to Tennessee, where there's no oil.
The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City where they don't allow music.
The Oakland Raiders moved to L.A. And then back to Oakland.
No one in L.A. Seemed to notice.
The search for greener pastures went on. Continued expansion diluted
the talent pool, forcing owners
to recruit heavily from prisons, mental institutions and Texas.
Fistfighting and brawling
overshadowed every athletic competition. As the problems mounted,
the fans became less and less interested. To reverse the trend,
major sports started interleague play. Then they tried intersports play.
But no matter how far major sports went, it wasn't enough
to bring the fans back.
The spirit of athletic competition, though, indeed was not dead.
Its seed merely lay dormant in the dreams of the young.
You know, Remer, someday I'm gonna be a big sports star.
You know, Remer, someday I'm gonna own a big sports bar.
Hurry up, Coop. - I just gotta water the plants.
I don't wanna be with high school losers.
This is Brittany Kaiser's house, and I really wanna fuck her.
Dr. Kaiser!
Coop and Remer.
We graduated with Brittany. - You graduated?
Of course we did, cock. Beer?
This place looks like a "Dockers" commercial. Hey, Stef!
Coop! Remer!
Want a beer?
Oh, my God! You haven't changed at all.
Cool!
No, it isn't.
Cock!
Hey, Skid Mark Steve! You still hanging out
and playing Nintendo? - I'm in my 2nd year of med school
and training for the Summer Games. What're you two up to?
Hanging out, playing Nintendo. Cock.
Hi, Brittany!
Didn't think you guys would show up.
We wouldn't miss it. - I don't remember putting you on the guest list.
Ted told us about it.
Excuse me!
Why did you tell those losers? - Me...
Let's bail. - No, let's go to Brittany's room!
Come in here! Check it out.
Brittany's underwear. - Aw, dude!
Dude!
I am so jealous of you.
Excuse me! - Brittany!
What're you doing in my mom's room?
Get outta here!
Oh, Jesus!
We'll never get her. - Or any chick.
We have no jobs, the rent's overdue
and our gas is about to get shut off.
What do girls want anyway?
Apparently, not total losers. - We're pretty good at basketball.
As long as we don't have to run or jump or dribble.
That shit's overrated anyway.
You guys up for a little game? - Sure.
Let's make it interesting.
20 bucks? - How about 50? - You're on.
Haven't got 50 bucks. - They're no good.
Oh, shit!
We playing or not?
But not that pussy ass two-on-two you guys play in the suburbs.
You guys got something better? - This new game we picked up in the hood.
What is it?
Okay. I shoot from wherever I want, right?
Then you have to make the same shot, or else you get a letter.
You mean like "horse"? - It's not like "horse".
Duh. It's uh... baseball rules.
A single's from the freethrow line.
A double's from the top of the key. - You have to shoot from a different place.
A triple's from back here, and a home run's from behind the meatballs.
You miss, you get an out. Ready? Break. - What?
We can explain it more slowly, big sports guys!
No, we get it.
Losers up first. - This is a single, right?
And a homerun's behind the meatballs. - Take your shot, guy!
You can't spit beer at me! - I can do what I want to make you miss your shot!
He's right. That's one out. - One out? Give me the damn ball!
I fucked your sister.
Coop lines up for a double. Okay, guys, 2nd and 3rd.
Runner on 3rd. This could bring him home.
Yeah, two outs!
Come on!
Tip-in! Double play, three outs! - What? - We're up.
That's nice! - This could almost seal it.
Made that look easy!
One of Brittany's mom's pubic hairs!
Oh, God!
Man! - Dude, we win the game! A sweet psyche-out. - Here's another one!
We win and they get
the chicks. That sucks, dude. - We gotta get jobs.
Then we get the khakis. Then the chicks.
Starting tomorrow we gotta stop playing games!
Miss it. Steve Perry...
Yes! Three outs. I'm up. - Bottom of the 5th. - Joseph R. Cooper?
Single! Man on 1st. - Are you Joe Cooper?
Cut the crap, Squeak. You know me.
This authorizes me to enter your property and terminate services
until all delinquent payments have been generated. - What?
He's here to shut off the gas. - You work for the gas company?
Gentlemen... - Double! Guy on 2nd and 3rd.
Is your canine locked up or secured within your domicile?
He's getting his claws removed. - If you'll excuse me.
Does it just suck being you? - I'll show those guys
what sucks.
Oh yeah, he misses... - Damn it!
...I'm running outta ideas. - That's why we have this short shot.
Kind of like a bunt. - Exactly! Doesn't put any runners on base. - Sweet!
You lied to me! Again!
Right. The dog's appointment is tomorrow. - Honest mistake, Squeak.
My name's not Squeak. It's Kenny!
Alright, you little bitch. Take a shot!
No, I wanna turn off your gas. And don't call me bitch!
Okay, Squeak, let's just shoot for it.
What? Are you insane? This is my job, you assholes!
All you gotta do is make a single from here,
and you can shut off our gas, and we'll never call you Squeak again.
Or bitch.
From here?
Alright. Check this shit out!
Tough break, Squeak. Now you gotta fetch the ball, bitch.
Three months later
We can win the game with this one. Bring me home.
We win the game!
We got 5 runs that inning.
This game's pretty badass.
You're up.
Tyler, I hear your sister's going out with Squeak.
Another psych-out. - I'm not going out with his sister.
That's the defense. - We gotta say fucked-up shit to make 'em miss.
Oh, right.
Wait a minute! Why is me going out with his sister fucked up?
Pierce, I hear your mom's going out with Squeak.
Two outs!
You're gonna own 1/12 of the rent, the water bill, the power bill,
the cable bill... - Check it out! - What's that?
A baseketball!
You made a ball? Out of what?
I can't believe you were fired for not shutting off our gas for 6 weeks!
Losing the truck pissed 'em off the most.
You can camp out here for a while. - This is pretty sweet!
Does it fold out? - Yeah, a great bed! But that's Jenkins' bed.
Your bed's over there.
Dude, that is so fucking weak. How am I supposed to get a chick in that?
You couldn't get a chick if you had $100 hanging outta your zipper.
Yeah, I could! - No, you're a little bitch.
I am not! Why am I hanging out with you guys?
'Cause you're a piece of shit. - I am not.
But you're a little bitch.
Goddam it! You rip on me 13 or 14 more times and I'm outta here.
Whatever! I gotta show you the scoreboard I made!
Your place is a shit-hole anyway.
At least I'm on the team.
Yeah, they want me...
Six months later
An new driveway game has captured the imagination of a neighborhood.
...enjoying themselves at the final game.
An entire league has sprung up. - Starting with 12 teams in June.
Now down to just two, including the inventors of the game.
It's off the rim. Could be a double play, Maxwell tips...
Newman's try...
No!
Shirts have a shot at the conversion.
Remer...
Keeps it alive. Last chance! Coop...
They make the conversion! The home run counts!
What a game! The Shirts win the World Championship
of Baseketball.
Gentlemen!
Gentlemen, I'm Ted Denslow.
The billionaire? - Yes.
Anyway, I like your little game. How'd you like to go pro?
Baseketball? - I got 3 words for you: National Baseketball League.
We're not interested. - Wait a minute! Hear me out.
You kids with your loud music and your Dan Fogelberg,
your Zima, hula hoops and Pac-Man video games.
Don't you see?
People's attention spans today can only be measured in nanoseconds.
I hear you. - Just look at these people!
They feel a certain connection with you as players.
With baseketball we can start fresh,
not allow teams to change cities,
or players to be traded. And everybody will get paid the same,
like when I was a kid and players were treated like...
Indentured servants? - Yes!
The real beauty of this game is anyone can play.
Any normal Joe can be a sports hero. Never wanted to be a sports hero?
Sure, once. But that was long time ago.
If I know anything about this country, it will go nuts for baseketball.
America will go crazy.
Listen to that crowd!
Five years later
9th inning. The Beers still behind by 3 runs and down to their last out.
The pressure on these players has to be enormous.
Alright, guys, we've got one out left.
We can still win this thing. Can we do it? - Yes!
What a game these fans are seeing!
That gentleman is Ted Denslow, the father of professional baseketball,
along with his lovely new wife Yvette.
Now shooting, number 44, Coop "Airman" Cooper!
Coop is heading for the triple square.
Bob Costas, this has to be one of the most exciting baseketball games.
Hard to believe that just 5 years ago this game was played only on driveways.
Hard to believe that just 5 years ago
those girls were only in grade school.
Coop at the triple line, and Jansen sets up for the psych-out.
Be right with you!
It's good! - Coop triples again.
He's hit for the cycle already 7 times tonight.
Listen to those foam heads doing the Beers' chug!
Coop's on third, with two down. That brings up Squeak Scolari.
I knew it was gonna come down to me. - It's not just you. We're a team.
It all comes down to just one man.
Oh, God! - If I could have one guy out there, it'd be you.
Unfortunately, that one man is Squeak Scolari.
Shit! - Pretend this is just another game.
The Denslow Cup is the biggest game of the season
Christ! - Will you turn that shit off? - I'm scared! - Listen to me.
You make that shot, or I'm gonna shove your head so far up your fucking ass...
Doug Remer giving his teammate some last minute encouragement.
Go out there and make that shot!
The talented Felon girls appearing in their 3rd Denslow Cup game.
Now shooting, number 23, Squeak "Little Bitch" Scolari!
Squeak Scolari walks out to take the last remaining single.
Come on, bitch!
Hey, Squeak! Miss it!
It's good! The Beers stay alive in the 9th.
Dallas Felons' owner, Baxter Cain hoping for another Denslow Cup victory.
Now shooting, number 17, Doug "Sir Swish" Remer!
Remer heads for the double line.
Remer, you better make sure your toe's not over the line.
Hey, Jansen, nice psych-out, dingleberry. Yes!
It's now a 2-run game. Dirk Jansen apparently missed
another psych-out.
Everyone at Beers Garden is on their feet!
At a time like this
you can't help thinking about guys like John Elway,
guys who kept coming close and then finally got there.
If Coop can make this one, the Beers' long wait will be over.
Hey, Coop, looks like your boy Denslow's gonna buy the farm.
He missed.
The Felons win their 2nd consecutive Denslow Cup
on the strength of a Dirk Jansen psych-out.
I got you, dude. I got you!
Relax. Do the Happy Dance!
We just lost the game! - Do the Happy Dance!
Where's the singing? - I don't wanna sing! - Come on, sing!
Shit, Denslow! - These Beers fans have to be disappointed.
What an unfortunate thing to happen on "Dozen Egg Night".
It's my husband! Somebody help him! Oh, God!
If there's anything you need. - Oh, Teddy! He just fell over!
I wish there was something I could do.
They stopped serving them after the 7th. Get this man a hot dog!
You're absolutely right, Jim. Ted Denslow was a hero,
because his vision brought baseketball from local driveways into big arenas,
but more importantly, into the hearts and TVs of America.
His untimely death casts a pall over an otherwise sweet victory!
And all of our hearts...
Dirk Jansen, winner of
the "Winter's Warm Douche" M.V.P. Trophy. What's your take?
The key to the game was when I psyched out Coop.
He didn't psyche me out! If anyone got the psych-out, it should be Denslow.
Dude, weak.
I know this is a dark time for you, but I'd like your thoughts on what happened tonight.
I lost the big game and a dear friend.
I'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now. I don't think I should be alone...
It does seem to be raining shit on Joe Cooper right now.
On paper, the Beers had the far superior team.
But the outside shooting of Coop and the deadly accuracy of Doug Remer.
What happened out there? - Well, you know...
It was a team effort. It took every player working together to lose this one.
Thanks, Doug. And so... - You wanna do an interview with me?
No! So another baseketball championship is in the books.
Yet another opportunity lost for the Beers.
I gotta go.
What's going on? Coop? - This was Tim McCarver
from Beers Garden, where the Felons have defeated the Milwaukee Beers.
In Denslow Cup IV...
Everybody in. One at a time.
There he is!
Coop! - Oh, man! - Can we talk to him?
Excuse me.
Would you mind signing autographs for the kids?
The Dallas locker room's over there. - I know, but it was so crowded.
They'd really rather have your autograph.
Really? - Would you mind signing these?
Sure.
It's nice to meet you, Miss...? - Reed. Jenna Reed.
Joe Cooper, Coop. - I know.
Are all these kids with you?
I've been the director of the "Dream Come True Foundation" since October.
The one that grants wishes to sick and dying kids, right?
We prefer to think of them as health- and survival-impaired.
You're a big fan of baseketball? - No.
I mean, the kids are! I try to keep them interested in permanent things.
Permanent?
Professional athletes come and go. - Not in baseketball. There's rules against it.
Hello!
Miss Reed, this is Remer. - Like a fresh pretzel?
I baked it myself.
Oh, thank you. - Goes great with mustard.
Miss Reed?
You didn't make that, did you? - No!
But chicks like guys who can cook. - What?
See! She was checking out my ass. - She wasn't!
I'd better get these kids back. Little Travis is getting impatient.
I love kids. Which one is Travis? Heads up, big guy.
Needs a little work on the hands.
He's blind, Doug.
Felons' fans
rejoiced in their Denslow Cup victory in downtown Dallas.
Final tally: 14 injured, 3 dead.
The sports world was devastated by the passing of Ted Denslow.
The late Beers owner seemed to be the only one surprised by his death.
Time just finally ran out for the old cocksucker.
Theodore Denslow dead at 85. His hairpiece was 24.
These chaps
I wore in "Rootin' Tootin' Rhythm" I bequeath to my nephew Herman.
Hope he looks as snappy in them as I did.
And this poncho that kept me dry...
Mrs. Denslow? Baxter Cain. May I? - Of course.
My deepest sympathy! - Thank you, Mr. Cain.
This hand-painted plate commemorating
the Pope's visit to Dodger Stadium
I leave to my niece Susan. Limited edition, signed
with a photocopied certificate of authenticity... - Jenna!
What are you doing here? - I'm not sure.
I got this letter... - Me, too.
And the toothbrush...
Where's the body? - They buried him 2 days ago.
This is the will reading. - Well, in that case...
These are for you, Jenna.
I bequeath these season tickets
to the "Dream Come True Foundation".
I had nothing but respect for your late husband.
Unfortunately, he stood in the way of making changes in baseketball
that might increase the owners' profits.
I can't imagine what he had against making money?
I trust that quality isn't sexually transmitted.
Pretty sweet, huh?
Yeah, the kids will be excited. Especially little Joey.
Joey? - He's such a big fan of yours.
He's going into the hospital next week,
and begged me to ask you to visit him, but it's not a good idea.
I'd love to come by. - I'll come by. I like hospitals.
You like Taco Bell.
I went to this hospital in France and got together with this chick.
Dude, that was a hostel!
Finally, my beloved Beers, I bequeath
controlling interest
to Joseph R. Cooper.
We own the team!
I gave him the best 3 months of my life.
Way to go, dude!
And, Coop?
Yes, Mr. Denslow?
I know you have it in you to lead the Beers to victory this season.
Because if you don't the team reverts to Yvette.
Don't feel badly about losing the team. I believe this is merely temporary.
Thank you, Mr. Cain.
It's nice to have a strong, handsome man like you on my side.
Well, I'd love to discuss this further with you.
Why don't you visit sometime? Maybe we could
lay some carpet, if you know what I mean.
At this time, I'd like to ask everyone to leave the room,
so I can have a private moment with Coop.
Now that we're alone, Coop, there's something I wanna tell you.
Remember when you had the crabs
and this lotion made you feel better? I've found another use for it.
It's so good, it makes me wanna sing. Just like the night
we spent in the tattoo parlor in Chicago. Come on, baby!
You getting this?
That's two rooms done. Those corners are tricky! - A fine job!
I've come up with a plan to make sure Coop never wins the Denslow Cup.
So the team will be mine? - Yes. - Wonderful, Baxter.
Do you want me to move on to the conference room? - Not yet.
But I think my lobby could use a good buffing.
If you know what I mean. - I know exactly what you mean.
I can't do this shit!
The Beers coming up to bat in this season opener against Miami,
a game they have dedicated to Ted Denslow,
the team wearing black in memory of the late Beers owner.
The Beers cheerleaders also mourning the loss.
Dude, it's a whole different ball game now that you own the team.
Denslow was right. This season could be different.
We just gotta kick some ass and play to keep this team. You ready?
I'm in, all or nothing.
Joining us this evening, big fan of baseketball, Tony Nocciolino,
who plays Latino cutup Scooter on the comedy series "What's the Difference?",
airing between "Recycled Junk", starring Lisa Campbell,
and "Same Old Crap", featuring teen heartthrob Mark Swenson.
All part of the great fall line-up on "Who Gives a Rat's Ass" Thursdays.
Great to have you with us. - So Miami takes the field.
We're underway.
Coop steps into the single square.
It's good! - The Beers are off to a promising start tonight!
This game is made all the more special
by the fact it's "Free Range Chicken Night".
The Beers up by two, but the Dealers are only one out.
That brings up Enrique Hernandez.
Hernandez, look!
Fat from Marlon Brando's ass.
Uh, no! What am I doing here?
It's all salty and warm. Why would I do this?
This guy ate a lot of pork!
Damn it!
It was a killer psych-out. - Really? - Shake it off. I got this guy.
Got milk?
Coop tips, and it's good! Double play. Beers win.
Remer still nailing down that psych-out.
We totally kicked ass. - And this is just the start.
Could you sign my chicken? - Joe Cooper? Baxter Cain.
Denslow told me about you. - Welcome to our community of owners.
If there's anything you need, don't hesitate to ask. - Thanks, dude.
We're going to be voting next week on some changes in baseketball's rules.
I want to tell everyone you're with us. - Why it's fine the way it is.
Until we allow teams to move cities and players to change teams
and take advantage of lucrative corporate tie-ins,
you and your colleagues are going to have to continue working for...
Chicken poo?
Feed. Chicken feed.
Coop, the ball is in your court. For those rules to change,
every owner has to vote yes. Denslow was already filthy rich.
He didn't need the changes. But you do.
You're asking me to go against every reason we created this game.
Before you make any hasty decisions,
discuss it with your teammate. - I don't have to. We think alike.
Sorry, but if you want unanimous consent, get it from one of the other owners.
Are we gonna kick their ass?
We're gonna take these mooks out or what? - Let me handle this one!
In the river, baby! - Come on! - No doubt about it!
Your mother's a terrible cook!
I'm gonna kick your ass. - Easy.
Can't gross me out. - Well, check out Coop!
I wanna feel you.
Deep inside me.
That's not fair!
Come on, Zane. That was...
That was fair. Let's play ball.
Hey, Watson, have you seen those beer commercials?
How to speak San Franciscan.
"Vajoina"!
That wasn't a gay joke. That was an Australian joke.
"Beers Still Winning More and More Games"
Come on, let's do it! - What do we always say?
One, two, three, fuck the Mexicans!
I'll take my shot! Sure hope I make it, so I can get home quick
and smack my wife in the eye. - Shut up, Remer.
Shut your mouth!
Take that!
Aw shit!
My eye!
"If a woman wants a mate to respond,
she will reveal to him the secret of a woman's duality.
She will tell him about the interior woman,
that one who added to herself makes two. "
I didn't expect you'd come.
I thought I'd say hi to little friend Joey.
He's sleeping, and I really wanted to finish this book.
Well, maybe it'll make him feel better. Joey!
Look who's here. - My biological father?
No, Joe Cooper.
Is it really you? - Yeah, it's me.
Your psych-outs were the best.
Thanks, dude.
What's a "vajoina"?
What seems to be the problem, guy?
I'm going to die.
We're all gonna die. - Yeah, but not this week.
What about staying positive? Your donor liver's arriving today.
Look what I brought you.
Wow, A LA-Z-BOY! - Yeah, I made it myself.
If I had a nickel for every time this ball pulled me out,
I'd have a shitload of nickels.
I wanna be just like you when I grow up.
Here's your decaf mocha, Jenna.
Just like you take it: Non-fat milk, low-whipped cream and a sprinkle of cinnamon.
Thank you, Doug. - I baked you fresh poppyseed muffins, too.
Poppyseed muffins! I thought you had your electrolysis appointment today.
I did. Here.
Listen, partner.
I talked to the foundation. They want to make your last wish...
They want to make your dream come true as long as it doesn't
involve a miracle cure or something.
The guys on death row only get a meal, right?
So, what's your dream?
I've always dreamed of big-game hunting,
killing an endangered species, like a bald eagle
or a giant panda. - That's not in the spirit of the foundation.
How about poisoning the reservoir?
Or throwing flesh-eating fish into a public swimming pool?
I don't think you're getting the point.
Come on, Joey.
Search your heart. What's the one thing you want more than anything else?
Chelsea Clinton?
That's a pretty tall order. - You'd have a better shot at Bill.
Any backup dreams?
There is one other thing.
Could I just once hang out with the team?
Just spend a day with the Beers? Could I, Coop?
I don't know... - And Miss Reed, too.
This has been so fun. I feel like I'm gonna puke all over the bar.
Look, Jerry Springer!
Here is your daughter-in-law... - She's my son's wife.
Nicole! Let's say hi to Nicole.
We'll drink every time a fight breaks out.
Fight!
You see, Joey, dreams really do come true.
You're the best, Coop!
Man, it's late. We've got a game tonight and you've got that big liver operation.
Yeah, but...
What, dude? You're gonna be fine.
I know I could pull through, if...
If what, dude? - Just say it and Coop will do it.
Do you think you could hit a home run for me tonight? - Well...
It's not like he's asking you to hit 2 home runs!
Can you hit 2 homeruns? - Of course.
This is Coop Cooper. He could hit 3 home runs if you wanted. Huh, Coop?
3? Alright. - Remer, can I talk to you over there real quick?
You know, Joey, I've hit my fair share of homeruns, too.
Nice, but Coop's gonna hit 3 home runs for me. - Great, Joey.
Coop's the greatest guy in the whole world!
Yeah, he's a major dude.
I feel much better now.
Mr. Squeak? - What? - What grade are you in?
Anybody call a taxi?
I called a taxi! - We gotta get going if I'm gonna hit those 3 home runs.
Don't worry. From now, everything's gonna be A-OK.
This is the best day of my entire life.
What a story this is!
Little Joey Thomas undergoing a lifesaving operation tonight.
The fans here all wearing yellow ribbons in support of this brave little boy.
And his hero, Joe Cooper, promising to hit 3 home runs,
a promise that could decide between life and death for this brave boy.
Hey, Pete! What's the matter with Coop tonight?
I don't know, but he smells like Christian Slater.
Coop getting ready to take his shot.
It's good! Coop sinks his 2nd home run.
His blood sugar's way up since yesterday. Has his fluid intake been changed?
His sodium level's through the roof!
It's strange. He's 8 years old and smells like Robert Downey, Jr.
9th inning.
Everyone's stomach in knots here, as Coop steps up. One more chance
for that 3rd home run.
She's here, that girl from the bar. - That's a guy.
A guy? - A dude.
You're just saying that, 'cause you want her yourself.
I'm saying that, because she's a guy. - It's impossible! Just look at her!
The cutest little upturned nose,
the softest lips, the sweetest Adam's apple...
I can smell her perfume from here.
Coop calls for quiet.
One more chance for that 3rd home run.
He's in deep focus. This obviously means a lot to him.
He shoots! It's going, going...
Coop has made a dream come true for that brave little...
Wow! The Lord must really have it in for that little boy.
Why?
Come on, Coop. It's over.
Poor Joey!
Why? - Sorry, dude. - If you're looking for Joey Thomas,
he's been moved next door.
Oh, my God!
Why? Why? - Gentlemen,
in this room!
Joey! I'm here for you, dude!
The operation went fine. Just after the game, he seemed to be suffocating.
He kept screaming, "Choke!" and lost consciousness. He'll be fine tomorrow.
Don't stay too long.
Sorry I missed that 3rd homerun.
Remember I said dreams come true. Well, they don't.
He's trying to tell you something!
What is it, Joey?
He's turning blue! - He's freezing. He needs a blanket.
Sir, can I borrow your blanket? - I'm here for you, Joey.
This should keep you warm.
He's flatlining! You killed him!
I didn't kill him! - You missed the 3rd home run, and you killed him.
No! I'm not gonna give up on this kid! - Calm down, man!
Come on!
Get a hold of yourself! - Leave me alone!
Live, damn it!
What are you doing? - Where are those paddle things George Clooney uses?
Give me those things! - You're gonna kill him! - Clear!
No pulse! - More power! - 10,000 volts!
15,000!
You know what you're doing? - What's it look like? - An execution?
I'm trying to save a life.
I'm giving it all I've got, Captain!
I love ya, always have.
Clear!
We gotta try open heart massage.
Scalpel! Where do I cut?
Code blue, nurse! 70 cc's of sodium pentothal, stat!
I didn't kill him. - Get outta here!
Cardiac syringe coming through!
Jackson having an incredible night.
And he's already hit 2 home runs tonight.
You have to wonder what Charlie Hough is thinking, as Reggie...
...when man and beast collide.
Death on the back roads and byways of America!
I can't believe those assholes taped over the game.
Hi, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
I was just fixing clam chowder.
Come in. - When you weren't at the hospital, I came right over.
There was some terrorist attack on the post-op ward. - Terrorists?
Yeah, they were disguised as baseketball players. I was so worried...
about Joey. - Was he...? Is he...?
Oh, he's fine. He came through the operation with flying colors.
With that new liver he should be peeing like a champ in no time.
That's kidneys, Coop.
Have a seat.
Thank you for all you've done for Joey. - Oh, it's nothing.
He's going to remember this day for the rest of his life.
I don't doubt that.
What a great picture!
Look at you guys. You seem so happy. - I guess we were.
Best friends playing ball on the driveway.
Next thing I know, I'm on ESPN and Wheaties boxes.
It's all pretty sweet, but since Denslow's been gone,
I'm in charge of the team, and the whole league now.
Sometimes I forget why I play the game.
Why do you play it, Coop? - Mr. October.
The guy in the Chippendales calendar? - No, that was Dwayne Zackemore.
I mean, whoever it was that month.
I'm talking about Reggie Jackson. He hit 3 home runs in one game.
I caught the 3rd one in the stands.
It meant so much to me. All I ever dreamed of was
to be that guy, have that one shining moment.
Be a hero. - You already are a hero, Coop.
You've won these kids' hearts, but...
What?
I'm just worried about getting attached. I mean, the kids getting attached.
I don't want them to be hurt. - Jenna,
I would never do anything to hurt... these kids.
What Joey really needs to know is: Where will you be next year?
Right here.
And the next year, and the year after that.
Until Joey grows up,
and gets his driver's license and starts going out with girls
and meets the right one and forgets about baseketball altogether...
...goes home, does some push-ups,
fucks the sleeve of his favorite jacket. - What?
I'm just saying, we'll be here for Joey. I promise.
Oh, Coop, I want to believe you...
Coop, check out this cool shit we got at the hospital...
Hey, Jenna. - Hey, Doug.
You're a little flushed. You have a temperature? - No, I'm fine.
Open your blouse and say "Ahh".
I gotta go. - No... - Yeah, I'm sorry.
Thanks a lot, Dr. Dickhead. You totally fucked me there. - It was a joke.
Give it up! She doesn't like you. - She has the hots for you?
Squeak has a better chance.
You think? - That's low. - Why is that low?
Right now you're jealous, but don't blame me for my sweet ass.
I'm doing the Happy Dance...
Does this thing work?
Can you hear me on this? - Yeah, check it out.
Asshole!
Wanna get a sandwich? - Yeah, let's get a sandwich.
Goddam!
Mr. Cain, Doug Remer is here to see you. - Remer? I asked him to come tomorrow.
Yes, sir, but he's here now in the trophy room. - The trophy room?
Sweet.
I see you've been admiring my museum. - Is that really...?
Yes. When I see something I want, I get it.
Remind me to show you the prize in the collection:
My autographed Ty Cobb bat.
I'm planning to expand the museum.
Killer set-up, Mr. Cain. What do you pay in rent? - Nothing. I own it.
Can you break a 20? - What? Dollars? - I didn't think so!
Let me get straight to the point, Don. May I call you Don? - Yeah.
When I see one of baseketball's stars with less than $20 in his pocket,
driving an American car, sharing a house with 2 other guys,
you know what that says to me? - Homos?
No! It says you're underappreciated and underpaid!
Yeah, I guess we are underpaid. - I want to change all that.
Players of your caliber should be making the big bucks. Don't you agree?
Try to stay with me, alright?
I tried to get Coop to agree to changes that would make you millions.
Me? Millions? - Now listen carefully.
Do you think Shaq got rich playing in Orlando?
Hardly. He did it by moving to L.A. Know how much he makes now?
As much as at college? - What? A lot more! Big money.
And you can, too. - Would I have quit baseketball?
What? No! I need you to get Coop to go along.
He'd have to quit baseketball, too?
Did I just fart?
Top of the 7th. Those cheers you're hearing
are from the nearly 15,000 on hand for "Anal Probe Night".
2 outs. Remer heading for the triple square. He's 0 for 12 tonight.
With the exception of Coop, the Beers are ice-cold.
Oh, man! That doesn't even qualify as an air ball!
The Beers are gone in the 7th.
The Aliens coming up with the top of their order, the same 3 guys
who came up last inning.
What the hell's going on? You guys are lying down out there!
I get it. You guys are pissed off.
Why?
You turned down Cain's offer without talking to us.
What do you want, dude? - What do you think?
We invented this game together, but you get to control everything.
Denslow gave me the team. I already told Cain no.
Denslow's happy in his worm farm... - Dude, I'm not gonna do it.
Do you think Shaq got rich playing in Orlando?
No, in college. Everybody knows that. It's not about the money.
It's about tradition.
Think about the greats who have played this game.
It's because of them and us that I can't bow down to a guy like Cain.
It's easy for you. You got the team. We got jack shit! Even Squeak's pissed!
I never really minded... - Shut up, bitch!
Dude, quit thinking about yourself! - Dude, I'm not gonna cave in!
Dude?
I guess you've got a point there. Alright, maybe I was wrong.
From now on, we're full partners. - Really?
You all own part of the team, too. - Really? You do that for us?
And that's not all: Prime equity stock options,
comprehensive health care, full dental, traveling H.M.O.
And 20 weeks of psychiatric care free of charge. Like it should be.
Hey, Smits! Wanna see a scary face?
What? - Dude...
"There were four of them in the corral: The once-proud beast, the broken girl,
her mother, and, finally, the man they called The Whisperer.
The woman stared hopefully
into the ancient cowboy's weathered face. 'Can you help her? '
'I repair cows, not people. '
His disjointed voice seemed... "
The Beers win their 10th consecutive game...
Who's this bimbo Coop's got the hots for?
Jenna Reed, the director of some kids' charity,
"Dream Come True Foundation. "
I know 6 men on their board.
Baxter Cain is not going quietly into the good night. - Baxter?
Who is Ty Cobb?
Oh, my God! - Did I just fart?
9th inning, the Beers are just one out away from making the play-offs.
They'll have to get by Big Ed Tuttle and the L.A. Riots.
That's him, Squeak. That's Tuttle. - He's been talking shit about you.
He told everyone he caught you jacking off before the game.
He saw that?
You oughta get this guy.
Look at him, man... he's huge! You want me to psych him out?
He'll never expect it. - Here, say this...
I'm not gonna remember all that! - This is for the play-offs.
If you get this guy, we're in.
We've got your back.
You mother's deaf. - My mother is dead, you little twerp!
So that's why she didn't move around a lot.
Unbelievable! The Beers win!
The Beers have done it.
The Beers win a spot in the play-offs on a psych-out by Squeak Scolari.
He is pissed.
I didn't go over the line, did I? - Not at all. - Don't worry!
Hey, you missed it! We won! - We kicked ass! We're in the play-offs!
Yeah, let the tears come. You're gonna make me start crying.
This is really emotional. - Should we just cry?
We should. We won the game, got friends, we've got everything!
Stop that! I'm not crying, because I'm happy.
Our funding's been cut. They're gonna close the foundation.
Can they do that?
Poor kids! We can't let this happen. - We gotta do something.
Sorry. I didn't mean to come here and ruin your big night...
Sorry.
Jenna, wait!
I couldn't help but overhear your conversation with Miss Reed.
What are you doing here? - I jet here, I jet there.
There's no reason
for your girlfriend's foundation to go into Chapter 11...
I think I may have a solution to her problem. There!
A time-tested moneymaker. Every athlete does it.
You want me to have bigger titties? - What?
No!
It's a clothing line.
A Beers clothing line.
That's against the baseketball bylaws.
Not if the proceeds go to charity. Think about it.
Miss Reed's foundation will never worry about funding again.
Awesome! We should do it!
Excuse us.
Let me do the talking. No way I'm doing a deal with this piece of shit.
I thought it was "we". It's not just up to you anymore.
Alright, we can come up with a better way. - Like how?
Thought so.
Mr. Cain? As part owner of the Beers, I'd like to say: Where do I sign?
Congratulations, Don, this is gonna change your life.
I look out for my "wimmins". - Before we discuss fabric or color,
we decide where to make this stuff cheap.
We'll do a big media blitz. Don't worry. Coop will come around.
Hi there. I'm Dan Patrick. - And I'm Kenny Mayne.
With the first 7 months out of the way, the play-off picture is now emerging:
With last night's victory over Boston
the Beers must beat Indianapolis to advance to Charlotte,
then to the National Eastern Division North to play Tampa.
If the Beers beat Detroit and Denver beats Atlanta
in the S.W. Division East Northern, then Milwaukee goes to the Denslow Cup,
unless Baltimore upsets Buffalo and Charlotte ties Toronto.
Then Oakland would play L.A. And Pittsburgh.
If no clear winner emerges, a two-man sack race will be held
till a champion is crowned.
After the gruelling regular BASEketball season,
we're now in month 9 of the play-offs.
No, Daddy, don't touch me there!
The Beers, vying for a slot in the Denslow Cup. 9th inning.
Ferries up by one, Coop steps in.
Home run! Coop ties it up.
That could mean extra innings.
Who's he? - My entertainment lawyer for my movie contract.
Now you're a big shot you're gonna act in a Hollywood movie?
Now shooting, number 17, Doug "Sir Swish" Remer!
Beers win!
The Beers have done it. They're on their way to the Denslow Cup.
Who is that? - Who's it look like?
Victoria Silvstedt, Playmate of the Year.
Hello! Victoria Silvstedt, Playmate of the Year.
What's that? - It's a commitment ring.
For Jenna?
Yeah, I'm ready to consider thinking about dating her exclusively.
I'm giving Jenna a pre-commitment ring,
to promise to pledge we'll get engaged as soon as we make a commitment.
You don't care about Jenna!
You were in a hot tub with a Playmate. - You know what?
That hurts, man. My clothing line is saving Jenna's foundation.
Sorry, I forgot how much Doug Remer cares about kids. - Gentlemen!
Hate to interrupt your celebration, but this might interest you.
Go ahead, don't be shy. Open it. I think you'll find it interesting.
What's that old saying? - "A penny saved is a penny earned"? "Don't eat cheese... "
Shut up!
How about "One picture is worth 1,000 words"? - That's a good one!
What low life scum would use children this way?
You would!
Me? Never!
Gentlemen, those are pictures of the Beers clothing line
in Calcutta. - Oh, just great.
If they ever get out, the Beers and the foundation will be ruined.
But rest assured. No reason to panic.
Those pictures never have to see the light of day, if...
If what?
If you two miss the next Beers game.
The next game is the Denslow Cup. - You've been reading the papers.
Do as I say. Play ball,
and you'll be just fine. - You said you didn't want us to play ball.
I want you to play ball with me.
You want us to play for Dallas?
You don't want us to show up at all! - Of course. It's called blackmail!
Good evening!
I told you this was going to happen!
If you'd have agreed to Cain's changes it never would have.
Because of you the foundation's screwed. - Me? - Oh, there you are!
I saw the pictures.
This is awful! It means the end of the foundation. It's not endowed
like... - Jenna, I can explain.
Yes, it was his fault.
It's your mess, Remer. I should've kept the team. - Dude... - Enough!
Look at yourselves! You're just typical men with humongous egos!
The kids' lives
are ruined, and all you can do is argue about who has the bigger penis.
I mean, child.
Long wanger...
Throbbing cock...
I don't know anymore. - Jenna, wait! - You've gotta believe us!
It was all Coop's fault!
Can we talk over there? Pig fucker? Can I call you that?
No, only my friends call me pig fucker.
Know what? You're not my best friend anymore. How do you like that?
I love it. - Good. I'm glad.
I'm sick of playing second fiddle to you.
I'm getting myself a new best friend.
Wake up, bitch. You're my best friend. - Really? What?
Are we going to the zoo?
Fine! I don't need you. I'll get myself a new best friend, too.
Go ahead. Go back to your fancy cars, big bank accounts
your celebrity friends, and your beautiful women
and Victoria Silvstedt, Playmate of the Year.
Fuck!
Your life is spinning out of control.
Seems the whole world is out to get you.
Everything is wrong.
Nothing seems right.
There's a sinking feeling inside.
Even your best friend has turned his back.
But you can't let it bring you down.
You gotta fight.
'Cause you try, but you can't let go.
It's when you're down that you gotta get up.
Don't let 'em walk all over your face!
Stand up for yourself
and make everything right again!
Even if some guy's trying to blackmail you.
And your girlfriend thinks you suck.
It's up to you to let them know it was some rich guy's evil plan.
Look out ahead, there's a truck changing lanes.
You've got crumbs on your upper lip.
Warts on your dick aren't going away, less you start using cream every day.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Calcutta. It is currently 95 degrees with a light drizzle.
We hope you enjoy your stay in lovely Calcutta.
I'm in a hurry!
Just take me to 7-1-1...
Beerswear Factory.
Hey, you! - No entrance.
Who the hell are you? - I factory manager. Who you?
I Joe Cooper. I mean, I'm Joe Cooper. - Wait, put on a hard hat!
This isn't good. Do the authorities know?
A young man. His whole life in front of him disappears.
A familiar story, but this is no ordinary Joe.
Joseph R. Cooper, the most loved sports figure in the country...
vanished.
Elsie Melcher, a neighbor who asked not to be identified, says
Joe Cooper left his house 2 weeks ago.
According to Angelique Bones, a nosy bitch who lives up the street,
he took only a toothbrush, a wallet, a steamer trunk
and a plane ticket to Calcutta.
Police have several possible scenarios of what happened
to the man affectionately known to the world as "Coop".
I don't know where he is. He could be hanging in his closet. - Scenario 1:
He's hanging in his closet.
The night before his disappearance, Coop's girlfriend paid him a visit.
They quarreled.
You'll find Joe Cooper, wherever you'll find the most heinous
and vile exploitation of children.
Scenario 2: Coop went to Disney World.
Here's a photograph taken just days before his disappearance.
Here's a computer-enhanced simulation of what he might look like today.
From Milwaukee, Wisconsin, it's the Denslow Cup,
where the defending champion, the Dallas Felons,
meet their perennial challengers, the Milwaukee Beers.
Hello, I'm Al Michaels along with Bob Costas inviting you
to join us here at Beers Garden for Denslow Cup V.
We're in for a classic battle tonight.
You're right. We have over 100 million people tuned in to see this game.
Many of them, of course, with no understanding of the sport,
but fascinated by the flickering images and the pretty colors.
High up in the stands, pyrotechnic expert Sergio "Lucky" Ferouch
is readying another spectacular halftime fireworks display.
Alright, guys. You ready to kick some ass?
What's wrong? Why the long faces? - Can't win without Coop.
We don't need Coop. I'll lead you to victory.
We're supposed to be a team. Without Coop it's not the same.
Even if Coop was to walk in here now, it wouldn't change things one iota.
We can win this thing! Are you with me?
That's the spirit! Are you with me?
Coop's here!
We're underway here for the Denslow Cup V.
A stunned crowd of over 18,000 witnessing the Beers...
Come on, Beers! Go, Coop!
Hey, guys. Thought I told you we weren't going to watch this game.
Miss Reed, it's the Denslow Cup!
These aren't the kind of people to be emulated.
The severed head was postmarked Denver.
The owner still has not stepped forward.
Update: The disappearance of the Milwaukee Beers baseketball star.
When Joe Cooper discovered that Beerswear Factory workers were kids,
not old enough for prostitution, he personally flew there.
His new, all-adult workforce now makes a decent wage,
enjoys full medical benefits and in-house child care. We are glad
that such a terrific human being like Joe Cooper has returned.
If I were a woman, I'd like to be his girlfriend,
walking in the park, hand in hand,
wrapping my legs around him, cuddling in the spoon position
and staring into his eyes over our morning coffee.
Yes, thank you.
In a minute, another unsolved mystery. - Come on, kids!
We're going to the game!
Ladies and gentlemen! For the 7th-inning entertainment,
the National Baseketball League is proud to present
a salute to our South Sea neighbors: Viva Calypso!
We're up 16 to nothing. Have the trucks pull up to the locker room.
We'll sort out the stuff when we get to Jacksonville.
Hey, Baxter? I finally got all the chrome off this for you.
Nice. - You want me to start on this one?
Ladies and gentlemen,
please direct your attention to the Malaka-Laka Balance Board of Trust,
symbol of brotherhood in many Polynesian countries. In the role
of the downtrodden but happy natives: Your Milwaukee Beers!
Thanks for flying back, Coop. You really made a difference!
If not for your mess, I wouldn't be jetlagged
and shitting curry. - Guys, knock it off!
Representing their white colonial oppressors:
The Dallas Felons. Now let's all join
our Caribbean brothers in the ceremonial handshake
above the Lagoon of Peace. - Let go!
Stop it!
Guys!
Stop it! - Money-grubber! - Powermonger!
Die! - Asshole!
Would you just stop it?
Look at you guys, fighting on the Malaka-Laka board!
You should be ashamed!
Back in the driveway we were nothing.
Now we've risen to the highest level,
but you're throwing it all away.
If you've forgotten what baseketball means to America,
you have only to look at this board,
the Malaka-Laka Balance Board of Trust.
Don't you see what we have here?
A game where guys with bad backs
and bad knees can get together and compete
as guys who are goosed up on steroids.
But more than anything,
isn't this game about being with your friends and having a good time?
I remember...
A long time ago, I didn't have anybody.
You guys took me in.
That's why it kills me to see you like this.
If we can't be friends, then the heart and soul are out of this game.
Certainly out of me.
I know I'll never get that back again.
We have sullied the waters of the Lagoon of Peace.
I'm begging you,
for the love of our Caribbean brothers, stop this madness!
Hang on! - Oh, my God! - Remember to hold your breath just before we hit.
It is the most spectacular extravaganza I have ever seen.
You can cram 3 seats into the space it takes for one wheelchair.
Not to mention the wasted space for the oxygen bottle!
Those little shits never pay full price anyway.
I just realized I can't stand you!
You can kiss these puppies goodbye.
Shit, Coop. I'm sorry. I guess the money did go to my head.
No, I'm sorry, Remer.
I've got a lot to learn about sharing.
Look at me! I've become everything I used to hate.
Maybe we just grew up too fast.
My worst enemy turned out to be me.
Dude!
I've got two over.
Alright! Let's go win the championship!
Hey, that's my wife. - And this is me!
What is it? - I hear your sister's going out with Squeak.
Squeak Scolari crosses the plate again
as the Beers have come roaring back since the break.
This is more like the Beers team we've seen all season.
9th inning. Beers still down by 2 runs.
Felons on 1st and 3rd.
The Beers have to stop Dallas if they want to stay in this game.
The always dangerous Grumsky coming up.
Get this guy. - I don't know what to do. Nothing works on him.
Tell him he's fat. - That's not cool.
No, just do it really subtle.
Subtle...
You losing weight?
You're goddam fucking fat...
The Beers hold them on the 9th on a clutch psych-out
by Coop Cooper.
Bottom of the 9th. Dallas 16, Milwaukee 14.
Remer on 2nd, Scolari on 3rd.
Coop's coming up.
It all comes down to this. One shot. If Coop makes it,
the Beers win the Cup and get to keep the team.
Or he misses.
Oh, my God! LA-Z-BOY has popped!
The ball Coop has used every day. A time-out has been called,
as the Beers star tries to regroup. - Excuse me,
think you could go any faster? - Can I go any faster?
Hang on!
The loss of this ball is going to affect the outcome of this game.
Come on, kids!
Just one shot! You can do it! We can win this thing.
Stop! Don't shoot!
Here. I brought this for you.
I made it myself. Just like you. - You made this?
Miss Reed helped me for most of it.
But I finished it myself.
Joey, this is great.
Coop, you know what Miss Reed told me tonight?
She said she wants me to be a big sports star.
Just like Joe Cooper.
Thanks, dude! - Go get 'em, Coop!
When's the last time you made a homerun without LA-Z-BOY?
Al, we've seen some classic Denslow Cup battles in the past,
but I can't remember one that rivalled the drama and excitement of this one.
It's off the rim...
Could be a double play. Darcy tips.
Jansen's try...
No!
Beers have a shot at the conversion! Remer keeps it alive!
Last chance...
Coop up!
It's...
...good!
In all my years of calling games I've never been this excited.
You're excited? Feel these nipples!
Update: We still have no fucking clue where this guy is.
Alright.
What is it?
- It's Reggie.
Reggie Jackson.
Well, go! Go ahead!
Nice going out there.
Thanks. You know I gotta tell you, it's 'cause of you that I'm here.
That's nice to know.
I brought this for you!
I saw some kid in the ballpark with it. You gotta hang on to that.
I got the two home run balls I hit in the World Series.
Some little shit got the 3rd one.
That sucks. I gotta get my trophy. Let's have a hot dog sometime.
Alright, sounds good.
I don't have your fucking ball.
Good luck next year. - Oh, thanks!
Got milk?
I'm sorry.
The National Baseketball League would like to present to the Beers
With this year's Denslow Cup. Congratulations!
Take your victory lap. As they skate off,
one thinks about a team that conquered adversity, overcame the odds,
a team that defied the critics, a team that...
And so, the ideal of sports once again blossomed
from a tiny seed, nurtured, as always,
by the dreams of the young.
I'm the King of the World!